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Seeing Love When There Is None

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I don't watch The Bachelor, although many of my friends do.My single girlfriends love it as well as my married girlfriends. They talkabout The Bachelor and fantasize that they too could be the one who thisbachelor chooses. I don't really understand it, because most of these women whotalk about it are good looking and with someone who is so much better than anyof the bachelors they rave about. There is one common thread every friend ofmine has talked about related to the show. That common thread is, "Why do thesewomen on the show delude themselves into thinking the bachelor really willchoose them?" The viewers (my female friends) have told me it is apparent thatthe bachelor does not feel anything for these women, but yet the women areconvinced they are the one.

There is a popular book that has been released for severalyears called, "He's Just Not That Into You." A movie was made to drive thepoint home even more. A male friend of mine asked me this question last week,"Why do women (although he admitted it happens to men as well) fall in stupidinstead of love?" It is a good question, because every person I know haswitnessed this phenomenon, and we all have been woken up at night with a cryingfriend after they got the message that someone they thought loved them, didn't.I believe it happens more to women, because women are more emotional withanalyzing everything ever said by someone they value. You can see this when agirlfriend is talking to you. They will go over every detail with reciting notonly words, but body position, tone of voice, intonation of syllables andpauses. Most guys do not do this. In fact, the majority of guys won't rememberthe exact words unless it has to do with their ability to perform or theysuffer from anxiety.

Women who see love where there is none are moreaccommodating of getting less from a relationship than women who are realistic.These women seem to make excuses for the guy of why he cannot pay for a date,show up for a birthday celebration, show them respect, or whatever else heisn't doing that a boyfriends should do. They will settle for less and continuethe image that this guy really does care for them. It becomes embarrassing andawkward to the friends who stand by and want to shake their girlfriends intoreality. Nothing at this point helps shatter the fantasy until the guy comesout directly and says, "I don't want you around me anymore" or somethingequally as harsh.

If your friends are accusing you of seeing love where thereis none, these suggestions may help you determine if you are being duped byyour own fantasy filled lenses. A yes to even one or two of these is too many.

  1. A guy who isn't into you doesn't want to discussfeelings or say that he loves you. If he tells you he doesn't love you ordoesn't see you both together, believe him. You cannot make him change hismind.
  2. If a guy doesn't respect you, he isn't intoyou…period. Don't make excuses for disrespect. Ever.
  3. If he is too busy to see you or doesn't want toaccompany you someplace due to his work, it means he doesn't want to be withyou.
  4. If he treats you like the plague in public, butis all over you in private, let him go. He doesn't care how you feel and won'tbe sensitive to your feelings.
  5. If he is married or has a girlfriend he promisesto dump, he is not that in to you. He is using you, no matter if he tells youhis wife/girlfriend is crazy or psychotic. He is probably telling them the samething about this crazy woman who is after him.
  6. He stops calling and will only text. Soon heeven stops that as a form of communication and infrequently shows up.
  7. He doesn't want to spend time with your familyor your friends.
  8. His dates are never planned, and you guys justhappen to hook up.
  9. He encourages you to date others (always a badsign…he is either a swinger or seeing others).
  10. His dates include late night calls or calls whenhe is depressed or inebriated.


So what causes women to see love when there isn't any? Mostof the responsibility is on the woman. She has a fantasy of what her guy willlook like and be like. She forgets to take a realistic look at herself and askthe question, "Do we match?" Much of dating is about evaluating your own valuesand attributes prior to searching for them in another. If you can do thathonestly, you have a much better chance at seeing love where it truly exists.–Mary Jo Rapini

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