Men and women both keep secrets, but what do his buddies say? - Houston weather, traffic, news | FOX 26 | MyFoxHouston

Most of us don't know what your husbands' buddies say about us. You may think that  they don't recognize the hostile eye rolling or the way you talk  to your husband  (their friend) but they do. In fact they may see more than  you know. Several  experts were asked by Woman's Day Magazine to survey guys  and come up with a  list. Below is the list they came up with the most  frequent things your buddies  friends think about you and your marriage.

1.   "They  think you judge them as his friends."
Eye  rolling is misinterpreted that you think you are better than your hubby's  friend, or that you resent their time together.  So avoid setting up a "you  versus them" dynamic. You need not adore all your partner's cronies, but your  husband will appreciate it if you accept them cheerfully, noting the positive  things they give him, like sharing memories of college.

2.    "They don't like it when you call all of  the time."
Your  hubby's friends get defensive when his friend's wife phones more than once  during a guys' night. "Why doesn't she trust him after all these years?" Unless  you need him for a legitimate reason, don't check in multiple times.

3.   "They  talk about you if you cancel guys' night."
When  you chronically cancel on a friend, they feel devalued, Ask yourself: Is there a  pattern of forcing your husband to back out of plans with all his friends? Or  does it happen only with a particular friend you aren't crazy about? Instead of  sabotaging time your spouse spends with his friends, explain what you want  assertively.

4.   "They  don't like it if you talk trash about your hubby (his  friend)."
If  your husband's friends are true ones, they'll defend him if they see you putting  him down. Explore whether there's some buried resentment that's making you  disparage your husband in public, and deal with that behind closed  doors.

5.   "His  friends may wish you spent more time with them."
The good news from this obvious compliment is that they like you. The bad news may  be they think you don't want to see them. You don't have to go to every softball  game, but consider inviting them and their significant others out for dinner.  

6.    "His buddies talk about the way you  dress."
Sometimes  his friends may worry if you dress too young, or it looks like you are trying  too hard to look young. He may worry that you are seeking attention that you  aren't getting from your husband. 

7.   They are in awe of you if you change him for the better.  Remember, his buddies know the type of  guy he was before he married you. If you make him a better man they respect you  more. 

8.   "They don't like it when you intercept his calls, texts, or anything that is his."
It makes you look insecure and they question your marriage if you are that  insecure. Women who are concerned with their husband's activities gain more  respect and build a stronger marriage if they address the situation directly.  

9.   "They  will judge you if you put him on an allowance or are cheap with him."   
Do you think the money your husband drops on restoring his classic car is  extravagant?  Or do you give him a  specific allowance? If you're worried about how much money he's going through,  tell him, and ask him if he has any concerns about your spending.

Secrets in a marriage do not correlate with how functional or dysfunctional the marriage is unless those secrets are harmful  to the other partner.

Things like infidelity or pornography are two of the  secrets that come to mind. We all keep secrets though. Women often tell their  friend's gossip to their husbands because they know telling a secret to your  spouse can build intimacy.

There  are common secrets that women and men keep.
A woman's list looks something like this:
1.  Women keep secrets about how much money they spend. She may tell you the exact  amount but she won't admit it was spent on her.
2.  She doesn't talk about how "good" her other loves were.
3.  She doesn't tell you how much it means to her for you to be the "provider or  protector". Even if she is an independent woman, she still likes the idea that  she can fall back on you.
4.  Women tell their girlfriends how you are in the love making department.
Even if  she swears to you she doesn't.  
5.  Women think about their boyfriends and husbands more sexually then they ever talk about. These thoughts vanish when she sees the sink full of dishes or his clothes on the floor waiting to be picked up by her.  

A man's list of secrets looks like this:
1.  He fantasizes about other females a lot (maybe your best friend). He will deny  this if asked and if he feels shame or guilt with it he will get defensive  because he feels attacked.
2.  The money he makes does make him feel important. Money to men is as looks are to  a woman. They believe a large part of their "worth" is placed on this  value.
3.  He derives self worth from being able to fix things for his wife or girlfriend. Be careful how you ask him though, he doesn't like to be told to do something rather he derives more self worth when asked nicely.   
4.  He wants to have sex with you and he would almost always rather do that then talk to you.
5.  He uses sports such as tennis, golf, and running as an escape. He needs to get away from you. It does not mean he doesn't love you.

My best advice is that frankness and honesty are empowering. Most of the time, couples who have secrets are concerned with hurting the other partner or the reaction they may receive from their partner. When you trust that your partner will listen then tell them and remember to be understanding. When you  work toward making the relationship stronger secrets become less beneficial. 

- Mary Jo Rapini

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Mary Jo Rapini -- http://www.maryjorapini.com/

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